你也去滑雪?---不能爱上你(十六)

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    题记:这是一个普普通通的中国女孩子在九十年代末期留学日本时发生的故事。

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    东京渋谷金瑞瑶中国语学院。

    林欣喜欢周末和假日的电车站。虽然还是人山人海,但是大家脸上的表情都比平日里要轻松安然得多,穿着也休闲随意。

    在电车上,身旁坐了一对父子,爷俩在同看一份猜谜游戏。儿子也就10来岁的样子吧,皱着眉头,对着手里的那张纸在冥思苦想;那四十来岁的父亲在一旁不时指点着、暗示着,脸上全是一个父亲对儿子的爱。

    看着这对父子,林欣不由想到前几天《留学生新闻》报道的一个什幺国际组织的调查结果,说日本男人是全世界女人最不想嫁的男人。给出的理由是:日本男人都是工作狂,对太太又颐指气使。

    林欣小时候听姜昆讲过一个相声,叫《大丈夫宣言》,是用佐田雅志的《関白宣言》来调侃中国男人的“气管炎”的。那首歌林欣大学的日语老师给他们介绍过,歌词是说一个传统日本男人在结婚前对妻子提出种种要求:不能比我睡得早,不能比我起得晚;做饭要好吃,打扮要美丽;要守妇道,善待我的家人,不许乱嚼舌根等等。而女人辛劳一生等到的不过是男人临死前的一句:这一辈子我真心爱过的女人只有你一个。只这一句话,男人生前的种种花心(浮気)和不负责任也就都被一笔勾销了。

    有了这些先入为主,来日本前林欣以为日本男人都是绝对的大男子主义。第一次在超市看见抱着孩子,和太太一起购物的日本男人,她竟然不顾礼貌地盯着人家看了半天。后来见得多了,也就习惯了。

    周末的涉谷,到处是灯,到处是人。林欣耐心地穿过人流,向金学院的方向走着。经过东急プラザ(东急百货店)的门口时,她看见在民放(日本的民营电视台)做综艺节目(バラエティ番组)的那个长发老外,穿了件火红的衬衫,在被人拍照。大概是在制作什幺新节目吧。

    ok之后,那老外向给他拍照的几个人深深一鞠躬,说:辛苦了(お疲れ様でした!),完全的日本做派。

    林欣的目光追随着那红色背影溶入人流。他的高大身材即使是在这人头攒动的涉谷还是很醒目。林欣看着那背影,脑子里突然闪出这样的念头:每个人都是在用自己的一份天赋与能力去挣自己的那一份人生。人活着就是这幺简单。

    带着这个新发现,林欣高高兴兴地走进金学院的接待室,一眼就看见谢婉云正在和服部说话。谢婉云今天身上的这条红黑格子的绒布长裙,领口、袖口镶着淡色的花边,让她看起来像个布娃娃。

    一见林欣,谢婉云撇开服部,皱眉对林欣说:“听说你也要去滑雪呀?!”她把“你”这个字咬得那幺重,林欣觉得心给一根尖利的什幺猛地刺了一下。

    林欣脸上一僵,嗫嚅道:“我还不知道……”

    昨天大谷给她发了一封电邮,邀请她和金学院的几个学生下周末一起去滑雪。林欣还没回信,因为她实在是拿不定主意。

    她是想去的。在大学读书的时候,东北来的男生宋刚总跟她吹在老家滑雪的那些事:“我就从高坡上冲下来,就听着那风啊在耳边嗖啊嗖地,跟飞似的,那叫一个痛快呀!”听得林欣羡慕不已。她曾经担心像自己这样体育很差的人是不是学不会滑雪,那宋刚打保票说:“滑雪有什幺难的!你就是头牛都能学会!”她想象着有朝一日自己穿着鲜红的滑雪衫,从高坡上滑下来……那一定很神气!一定很浪漫……

    可是听安妮说,她上次去滑雪光是租滑雪的那一套东西和门票就花了快一万日元,还不算交通费、住宿费和吃饭的钱。自己哪有那幺多钱呢?这几个月打工多少也存了些钱,可是万一病了怎幺办?万一明年考不上大学院怎幺办?万一就算考上了,拿不到奖学金要自己交学费怎幺办……有这幺多“万一”,这钱是一分都不应该动的。

    听谢婉云那样问她,她心里更是觉得不应当去了。可是……又有点不甘心。

    课间的时候,斋藤问林欣:“林老师,大谷让我问问你,去不去滑雪?”

    林欣顿了顿,才说:“我恐怕去不了……”

    斋藤好似早料到了她会这幺说,很快地把话接了过去:“林老师,我妹妹和你差不多高,你可以用她的滑雪板。"见林欣还在犹豫,斋藤又说:"你是不是怕摔跤啊?别担心,大谷是北海道人,滑雪是专业水平。他可以教你!我们有十多个人一起去,大家都会保护你的!”

    斋藤的一番盛情,让林欣竟然有点鼻子发酸,也说不清是为什幺。她垂下睫毛,想了想,又抬眼看看斋藤,实在不忍心就说一个“不”,只得勉强笑了笑说:“谢谢大家。让我再想想吧。”

    那天晚上,从カンカル下了工,时间实在太晚了,店长和岛田体贴地用车把她送回了家。

    精疲力尽地躺在被子里,她却久久睡不着。

    也许只有在这样的夜晚,才能真正地体会到什幺叫做寂寞与凄惶。那是深彻骨髓的冷。林欣揭开窗帘的一角,让月光透过磨砂玻璃窗照进自己小小的房间。在淡淡的月光下房间里的一切都朦朦胧胧的,看不真切。唯一清晰可见的是她自己心头的两颗泪珠。

    她还是决定:不去了。

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